Why Neurodivergent Couples Need to Unlearn Neurotypical Relationship Standards
Many relationship expectations in our society are based on Neurotypical ways of thinking, communicating, and connecting. For Neurodivergent couples, where one or both partners are Autistic, have ADHD, or have other Neurodivergent traits, these norms can create unnecessary tension and misunderstanding. Instead of trying to fit into Neurotypical relationship standards, Neurodivergent couples benefit from developing their own ways of communicating, showing affection, and solving conflicts.
The Double Empathy Problem and Communication Differences
One of the biggest challenges Neurodivergent couples face is the double empathy problem. This theory suggests that communication breakdowns happen not because Autistic people lack social skills but because non-Autistic people also struggle to understand Autistic communication styles. When both partners are Neurodivergent but in different ways, such as one partner being Autistic and the other having ADHD, miscommunication can still occur because each person processes emotions, body language, and social cues differently.
For example, an Autistic person might prefer direct, literal communication, while their ADHD partner might express thoughts in a more scattered, fast-paced way. If they expect each other to communicate like Neurotypical people, relying on unspoken social rules or reading between the lines, they may feel misunderstood or even invalidated. Instead of assuming their partner should communicate a certain way, Neurodivergent couples benefit from openly discussing their unique styles and creating communication strategies that work for both of them.
Emotional Processing and Relationship Conflict
Another challenge Neurodivergent couples face is differences in emotional processing. Research shows that people with ADHD often struggle with emotion regulation, meaning they might react more intensely or impulsively to relationship conflicts. Autistic partners, on the other hand, may experience emotions deeply but struggle to express them in ways that Neurotypical people expect. If an Autistic person withdraws during a conflict to process their feelings internally, their ADHD partner might interpret this as indifference or rejection, leading to further frustration.
Instead of assuming their partner is reacting in a “wrong” way, Neurodivergent couples benefit from recognizing these differences and adjusting their conflict resolution strategies. For example:
• An ADHD partner might need structured communication, such as setting a timer for each person to talk without interruption.
• An Autistic partner might need time to process before discussing an emotional topic, so scheduling conversations instead of forcing immediate discussions can help.
Unlearning “Typical” Signs of Love and Affection
Neurotypical relationship norms also set expectations for how love should be expressed, often prioritizing verbal affirmations and physical affection. However, not everyone experiences or expresses love in the same way. For example:
• An Autistic partner might express love through acts of service, such as organizing their partner’s workspace, rather than words.
• An ADHD partner might sometimes be highly affectionate but forgetful about verbal reassurance, not because they do not care but because their brain is focused elsewhere.
By letting go of Neurotypical ideas about how affection “should” look, Neurodivergent couples can appreciate and recognize each other’s unique expressions of love. Discussing what makes each person feel valued, without judgment, helps build a stronger connection.
Building a Relationship That Works for You
Instead of measuring your relationship against Neurotypical standards, your relationship can thrive when you:
1. Create your own communication rules based on your unique strengths and needs.
2. Recognize and accommodate emotional processing differences instead of assuming your partner’s motive or that they are reacting incorrectly.
3. Celebrate your unique ways of expressing love rather than forcing each other to follow Neurotypical models.
By unlearning rigid societal expectations and embracing your Neurodivergence, you can create fulfilling relationships based on mutual understanding, respect, and authenticity.